As I established in the last post, the last 3 weeks have been full of ups and downs for us, full of tears of joy and sorrow, full of unexpected twists and turns; they have been just plain hard.
The emotions that have come with everything have been at times more than I thought I could handle. I have cried a river as long as the Amazon the past several days and don’t think the long dry season is coming for my tear ducts anytime soon. In short, they’ve been the longest 3 weeks of my life, and I’ve lived a lot of life in my 27+ years.
Why all the emotional turmoil?
Well, let us review: Why did we halt our adoption?
The simplest answer is because we cannot afford to pursue adoption and surrogacy at once.
*For more on why we before 3 weeks ago we never dreamed surrogacy would be an option, and how we were both finally at peace with moving forward with our adoption plans, please see Part 1.
On Wednesday, February 27th, I was in the middle of my work-out on an elliptical machine at the Y one morning before work (the usual routine) when I saw I had received two Facebook messages (the same message repeated) at 1:20am.
The sender’s name sounded familiar, but I certainly didn’t know her. I thought, though, I could pick her out in a crowd, if asked. Mind you, this was nothing unusual. I get Facebook messages all the time, including from people I don’t, or barely, know. It comes with the territory of being privileged to be an author and running a non-profit ministry.
The message (which I have permission to post) stated the following:
Okay so I have fought this for two weeks now and every night when I pray you come to mind along with a question… have you and your husband prayed about having a surrogate mother? Feel free to tell me it’s none of my business, but for some reason I just feel like God has been after me to ask. I pray all is well with you and your husband and congrats on the book and site!
To be honest, while I read with sweat dripping down my face, I didn’t think much about the message.
I put the phone down, continued watching TODAY on the TV attached to my machine, and after re-reading it and making sure it truly existed, I shrugged it off with the thought, “I’ll respond to her when I get out of here. People are nosy. I guess if I were them, I’d want to know, too. It’s a reasonable question. People pray for us all the time who don’t know us. She seems sweet. I hope I don’t forget to write her back. I have a lot to do before I head to work. I need to get that home study scheduled soon. I’m starving. What am I going to eat when I get home?”
Clearly, I didn’t think that message could possibly drastically alter my life. After all, many times when the Lord is quietly working in our lives, we fail to see it at first, if at all.
I got home, read the message again, and then my head start swirling – but just for a few moments. I quickly calmed myself back down and embraced “reality” again. “Amber, I told myself, she’s just being nosy.” I ate my breakfast, got busy with things around the house, and headed off to work. Her message was not on the forefront of my mind. After all, she was just a curious, albeit seemingly sweet, person. I would get back to her when I had time.
2 days later I responded back with the following:
WOW! Thanks for writing. 🙂 Sorry it took me a few days to get back to you. Honestly, when I read your post for the first time on the elliptical Wednesday morning, I didn’t believe it existed. haha Thanks for being obedient and putting yourself out there out of obedience to the Father, what courage you showed!
To be honest, yes, we have prayed/thought about it, as it’s just natural to want to have biological children, even if you can’t carry them. Surrogacy, though, is not an easy issue.
First, I would NEVER ask anyone I know, including those to whom I am close, to be my surrogate. I just don’t feel comfortable asking even those to whom I am the closest to risk their health and sacrifice their body and time for my sake. They’d have to first feel called (and let’s face it, that takes a special person), have the permission of their husband, and then we’d ALL have to pray through it before we made any rash decisions.
On top of that, surrogacy is EXTREMELY expensive, from what we’ve been told, more expensive than even adoption, which can easily be over $20-30,000. Rightfully so, the surrogate mother should receive compensation, which is usually quite high, on top of medical expenses (for us and for the surrogate with retrieving our egg and sperm and implanting them), legal expenses, etc. We haven’t really researched everything, since we have all along just planned on NOT going down this road, but from the little we’ve been told, it just sounds very, very expensive.
May I ask why you ask? 🙂
I didn’t feel the need to go into all the details I mentioned in my last post of why surrogacy wasn’t for us. I wanted my response to my heart-felt and answer her question, yet not reveal to her just how much my husband longed for biological children (a longing even I sometimes have a very hard time understanding, let alone others), how I struggle daily with guilt inspired by the enemy for not being able to safely provide him said children, or reveal just how hard the adoption road thus far had been for us, especially for him.
I figured her response would be, “Oh, just wondering! That’s all.”
You know – the normal response.
On Sunday, March 3rd, in the middle of us innocently eating breakfast together before church, this (which I have permission to post) is what I read on my phone:
Hey! So the reason I asked…. Well, I have been praying for a long time now that God would use me however He seems fit. God has been SOOO good to me and I don’t deserve ½ of what he has blessed me with. One of the biggest joys and blessings God brought into my life was my daughter. I loved being pregnant, however with going back for my masters right now my husband and I feel that we are not meant to start over with the addition of another one of our own.
Romans 12:1 “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.” This is a verse that keeps coming to my mind. I have been praying for a long time about what this means to me and I just feel lead that God may be pointing me to become a surrogate. With that said however, comes a few stipulations… 1- it must be a Godly couple. 2- they must be dedicated to raising the child to love and serve the Lord. Beyond these two reasons I would LIKE (but not require) the opportunity to give the child a birthday/Christmas present. So, I realize that I have probably given you a lot to think about and pray about. I will continue to keep this in my prayers. I would like to ask you to prayerfully consider this and then get back to me. I only want to be a surrogate of a couple who is lead by God to do the same.
Can someone say “bombshell?”
There’s so much more to the rest of this story. Part 3 to come! 🙂