I could write a whole book about the last 3 weeks of our life.
Maybe someday I will. Today, though, is not that day; after all, this chapter in my life is far from over. It will take me more than one blog post to expound on everything. I don’t want to overwhelm you, like we have been overwhelmed, so I’ll try to take my time.
The last 3 weeks have been full of tears for both of us – tears of utter amazement, profound thankfulness, and just recently, tears of extreme sadness and confusion. The road we’ve been traveling down is not for the faint of heart; there are times I am afraid my soul is literally going to drown in the emotions that overwhelm me at the drop of a hat. They don’t, though, and after I gain my composure (sometimes in a few minutes, sometimes in several hours), I press on in Jesus’ name.
So, back to the point: Why did we halt our adoption?
The simplest answer is because we cannot afford to pursue adoption and surrogacy at once.
“Wait,” you are probably saying, “Surrogacy?”
Don’t worry. You are now as stunned as we were when the option was presented to us.
Yes, you read that correctly — when the option was presented to us.
If you’ve been following this blog for long, or are friends with me on Facebook, you know that I have in no way been hinting at the possibility of us using a surrogate. That wasn’t because I had secrets – hardly so. That is simply because we had no plans to pursue surrogacy; it wasn’t an option on our radar. In our minds, we wanted to be a family, knew it wasn’t wise for us to try to have our own children, so the only “logical” step to us in our quest to become parents was to pursue adoption, which we were in the process of doing.
We were adopting, and that was that….or so we thought.
As I have explained to many in person when they’ve asked, it’s not that John and I haven’t thought about surrogacy; when you’re in our situation, it’s only natural for the thought of still being able to have a biological child, but in a safe way, to cross your mind. It’s just that, though – a thought. We never became emotionally invested in the idea for several reasons. A)I’m extremely close friends with many women, some who even already have children, and I would never – repeat, never – ask them to halt their lives for almost a year, risk their health and livelihood and carry my child…and these are my close friends! I don’t harbor any bitterness or anger toward them for not asking me permission to do so, either. So, if I am not upset – at all – with my close friends for not being able/willing to give me such a tremendous gift, why would I think someone I don’t even know would feel called to do such a thing, unless they were hired by an agency and carried other people’s children for a living?
That leads to reason B) Even if we had the finances (which we don’t) to pay the exorbitant fees of a surrogacy agency, we didn’t exactly feel comfortable “hiring” someone we wouldn’t know from Adam (who could easily not be the type of person we would ever be friends with in person, let alone want to impregnate with our children; you have to think about these things this day of age) to carry our child solely for huge monetary gain. We also didn’t feel, even if we found the “right” type of person to carry our child, it’d be right to have to take out a huge loan and hire them when so many thousands of children already need loving parents.
No, the surrogacy option didn’t make sense. We were moving forward; we were adopting. As you’ve read, the decision to adopt, though it made the most sense, has not been an easy one, especially for my husband. The first few months of 2013 have been extremely emotional (esp. for him), but the Lord has been gracious and through constant prayer and wise counsel, had finally given John peace to move forward with the adoption process.
Our dream of being a family was finally going to be coming true through the beautiful gift of adoption. Just 3 weeks ago, we were preparing to financially commit to our adoption, hire that week the proper people to come in and do our home study, and never look back. We were preparing our hearts and our home to welcome a newborn baby girl or boy (instead of just a girl), in what could be, just a few short months.
We were adopting. We were moving forward….or so we thought.
I told you this would take a while. 🙂