In case you haven’t heard, we’re adopting! 🙂
The question one is usually first compelled to ask upon hearing this news is, of course, “Why?”
Don’t be ashamed for wanting to know. It’s rather natural to be curious about such things. I’ll do my best to answer you. It’s not a simple answer, really, though I wish it were….but it is what it is.
If you’re new here, the long and short of it is that I had a double lung transplant over 7 years ago due to being born with cystic fibrosis. Even if I wouldn’t have ever needed a transplant, I would have only had a 50% chance of being fertile. With transplant, though, comes more statistics a healthy woman in her mid-20s doesn’t want to hear. You see, though the transplant not only dramatically improved the quality of life I was accustomed to living pre-transplant, but actually saved my life, it also came with medications I take on a daily basis which bring many risks when it comes to pregnancy. Those risks would not only be for me but also any child I would conceive, if I wasn’t infertile from the disease with which I was born and even capable of conceiving.
For the sake of argument, say I could conceive. Well, due to transplant still being quite a new medical breakthrough, especially double lung transplant (which is considered the 2nd hardest transplant to survive, only beaten by heart/double lung), not a lot of people have gone through the procedure. Consequently, out of the few who have had transplants, there are very few women of child-bearing age who have had one, let alone had one and then taken the risk and gone ahead with pregnancy. Needless to say, since there is little-to-no (depending on to whom you speak) research on the effects of pregnancy on transplanted-mother and her child, transplant centers strongly urge their patients not to get pregnant. Though having a healthy mom and baby at the end of a transplantee’s pregnancy has been done by a few in the past, in the majority of the transplant community’s doctors’, minds, who happen to mostly be men, it’s better to be safe than sorry. This leaves transplanted women of my age with a choice — don’t take a risk and never (unless you practice abstinence or God sees otherwise) have your own biological children or gamble and pray things turn out in your favor.
After over 4 years (if you count our dating relationship, and you should because it was a VERY hot topic back then) of praying, talking, and sometimes crying together, and even occasionally being angry at each other (emotions are real, people) over this all-important decision, we are finally both at peace and have made up our minds.
For now at least, we are choosing not to take that gamble. We still desperately want to be parents, though, so we are choosing to become a family through the beautiful-albeit-sometimes-trying-and-messy gift of adoption. This decision did not come easily for us, though we’re sure many would say it should have. That’s your opinion, and you’re entitled to that, as we’re entitled to ours. Should our decision in the future change as we look to expand our family, that will be our decision, too. We’ll just leave it at that.
I wish I could say that our desire to adopt was completely based on altruistic motives, that it didn’t matter to us at all that there’s a very likely possibility we’ll never have biological children of our own, but saying so just wouldn’t be true. We are humans, after all. We also believe God is sovereign and good, though, and if He would so choose to allow us to get pregnant even when we’re using barriers, then we would trust Him to see us through. We fully believe He is capable of doing that if He wanted glory through such a circumstance. If so, no, abortion would never be an option, so don’t even ask. On the contrary, if He never chooses to give us biological children, our beliefs about Him remain unshaken. He is good — no matter what.
It’s not always easy to say that, though, when it comes to this issue. Believe me.
I have my great days.
I have my good days.
I have my OK days.
I have my bad days.
I have my absolutely horrible days.
Again, I’m human.
Like all wives, I desperately want to give my husband biological children, especially a son. I know if I were pregnant there would be no way I could guarantee him a son, but I know that’s his heart’s desire, so in turn, it is mine. We are one flesh, after all. If you’ve struggled with fertility and/or miscarrying, I know you understand. It’s almost as if the verse “Be fruitful and multiply” is the only thing we (or maybe it’s just me) can hear sometimes when the enemy is taunting us for our “failure” to “obey” the Lord and “love our husbands,” when others chatter and the enemy takes their words and tortures us with lies straight from the pit of Hell.
Ladies, you are more than your ability, or lack thereof for whatever reason, to see 2 pink lines on a stick.
Your worth as a woman and a wife is not found in your ability, or not, to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy.
Your ability to mother is rooted in God’s grace and your intrinsic design, not whether you can give birth.
You are not broken. You are not second-hand goods.
You are a marvelous, beautiful, loved woman of God.
Cursed be anyone who says otherwise.
Don’t lose hope. You are not alone.
I say that to myself as much as I say it to you.
Whether or not you and your spouse come to a place where you corporately choose it’d be best to still have children through adoption and/or fostering is a completely personal decision and should be treated as such. Just know no matter what you decide, no matter what the enemy tries to make you believe, know you are still loved.