As of last night, John and I have officially started our journey to finding Hannah Grace, our baby girl for whom we have been praying for years . Now, we’re not just praying for her, we’re on a quest to find her and call her our own. We’re starting to put her room together, buy her a few things, and make her a part of our everyday conversation. To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement.
As we thrust ourselves into starting parenthood via adoption, I knew this day would come. Y’know, the day when a mountain of paperwork and requirements come sealed in a white envelope which feels like the most important piece of mail you’ve received, or will ever receive, in your entire life. I was prepared for that. I wasn’t expecting, however, to be dealing with said paperwork, let alone be required to complete our home study, before we even meet with our attorney. Talk about a shock.
Sitting at the island in our kitchen last night with the packet, with my eyes glazing over and my head spinning, I thought for a moment (OK, several moments), “I can’t do this.” I thought the same thing morning when I was emailing our attorney’s office a very long, detailed list of questions I have before I even feel comfortable beginning the paperwork (pray they don’t hate me before it’s over). John and I just want to do everything properly the first time. We’re thorough people and strive to do everything with excellence. We thrive off of clear direction and expectations, not vague descriptions of what needs to be done. Bottom line: When it comes to completing everything to bring Hannah home, we don’t want the process to be delayed because of us.
Now obviously, since I’m already feeling anxiety and we’ve just received some papers in the mail, the adoption process is going to bring a lot of very real emotions to the surface. I know this is normal, difficult but normal. The best thing I can do is embrace each emotion (good or bad) that comes along the way and not let fear overtake me, even if we go through heartbreak and our first placement falls through. This is something for which I am already preparing myself and asking the Lord to get glory through, if He would so choose for us to walk down that difficult path. What can I say? When you’ve walked through the things I have in life, you don’t expect things to go off without a hitch. You don’t expect life to be a breeze. You prepare for the “worst” (at least in man’s eyes) and are elated when things weren’t as hard as you thought they would be.
All I know at this point is, I was right last night.
No, I can’t do this.
At least not on my own.
I know we will fail my daughter miserably if I, or her father, try to do this by ourselves. We have to daily believe that no matter what, no matter how long this takes or how many hoops we have to jump through (which will be many, I’m sure), we have to TRUST – trust that the Lord is good and sovereign, leave our daughter in His hands, trust each other, and trust the process.
Ultimately, we need Jesus first, then each other, then the wonderful friends in which we live in community. I cannot say enough how I am so thankful Miss Hannah will have so many wonderful “aunts” and “uncles” to love on her, as well as her family. She will be one blessed and loved little girl.