My summer hasn’t exactly gone as planned the past month or so.
I wasn’t planning on being sick during our only vacation in years.
I wasn’t planning on getting mono or dealing with its horrible side effects.
I wasn’t planning on not being able to work for weeks on end.
No, I wasn’t planning on my summer being hijacked…
but it was, and now I’m left to deal.
If you’d have told me a few months ago that within two week’s time I’d go from celebrating a friend’s wedding and feeling healthy and strong, to getting a double ear/sinus infection right before vacation, to coming home a week later and being sicker than I have been in years and unable to work a job I love, I would have probably laughed at you. I would have believed the minor eat/sinus infection, but expected to bounce back with flying colors, like I always do multiple times a year when such things plague me.
Like anyone, I wouldn’t have wanted to believe that life could change so drastically so quickly. I still don’t, but it did, as it always can when you live in the fallen world in which we do. Yes, life very much changed, and I had no choice but to change with it – to put on hold everything I want to do to do nothing instead. I still don’t have a choice but to rest. My body is healing much slower than to what I’m accustomed, than I expect.
Some days I deal with the hijacking of my plans better than others. Some days I’m filled with hope and peace, others anger and anxiousness; the latter days have stolen my joy more times than I’d like to admit. Something about now being married, having a full-time job , and a much more scheduled life makes this bout with mono so much harder than 4 1/2 years ago, when I didn’t feel the pressure that comes with feeling like you’re failing those you care about the most and life seemed much more adaptable to change. Now, if I’m not careful, being sick seems like a huge waste of time, hassle and stress-causer, for me and everyone else.
Through it all, I’m learning that the pressure I feel to get better is not of God. It stems out of my fleshly desire to control, to say “not Your will, Lord, but mine,” to please man more than my Creator, to covet what I do not have instead of praising Him for what I do.
It also stems out of fears planted in my mine from the enemy, fears that say life will never be the same, that my health will never return, I’ll lose my job, my marriage, my opportunity to be a mom and my very life….and that it all will start with a mono virus I caught one summer when I least expected it.
The enemy tells me that my Job moments in life are far from over….and maybe they aren’t. He also tries every day to steal my joy and faith in the Lord though, too, so clearly he can’t be trusted.
No matter what the future holds, as Job said,”“As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.” Amen. I can’t change my circumstances, or know exactly how long they will stay this way, but I can change my attitude during the trial to which He has called me. After all, in the grand scheme of things, being down for 6-8 weeks with mono is not the end of the world. It’s better than the 10 months I spent in bed in 2004-2005. Life could be so much worse, so much more could be going wrong. I have been given so much and am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined just seven short years ago. Father, please give me grace and forgive me for being so short-sighted.
When I take my eyes off of Him, how quickly I forget that my life is not my own.
How quickly I forget that God has a purpose for allowing this hijacking through His sovereign hand.
How quickly I forget to be still and know He is God, even when I can’t get out of bed.
How quickly I forget that I shouldn’t waste my mono.