My “Finish Year” project is well on its way.
Today’s focus is Goal #4, and it’s a very personal one.
Goal #4 for 2012:
Let go of my tight grip on my desire for motherhood and realize God is still good even if I never get to be a mom, whether through having a biological child or through the beauty of adoption.
To be frankly honest, I really wanted one of my goals for 2012 to be becoming a mother, but unless the Lord intervenes in some miraculous way, that won’t be happening this year. Lord-willing, it will be next year, though. 🙂 Even if it doesn’t, God is still good, and I must remember that fact.
After many very long and hard conversations with my husband, and ultimately the Lord, we have decided for a myriad of reasons that it’d be best if we wait to actively embark on parenthood (either through both trying to have our own children and adoption or just adoption — that is still TBD) until 2013 instead of this year as previously planned. I can’t say I was exactly thrilled when my husband came to me in early December with his concerns about moving forward as we’d previously planned. In fact, I was extremely upset, angry and even bitter for a few weeks. I’ve since moved past my initial emotional response and have a much clearer head. Through prayer and remembering my husband is not the enemy, I am understanding more clearly my husband’s heart and desire to responsibly lead our family. He isn’t out to “get” me — no, not at all. I am very thankful for that fact. I won’t lie, though. Embracing on a daily basis our now-mutual decision isn’t easy.
It’s no secret to those closest to me that motherhood in 2012 (or at least the path to it) was something I’d been looking forward to all throughout 2011, something that I’d been planning my life around, especially my current career choice, for quite some time. The influx of adorable babies born in our circle of friends during the past year didn’t help my baby fever, either. I just wanted, and still want, to be a mom, to leave a lasting, Godly legacy to my children and their children’s children.
Like every other good gift from above, the desire to be a mother (or father) is Godly and good but also can turn into a foothold for Satan, if we’re not careful. It can lead to parenthood (or marriage or whatever) becoming the end-all-be-all. It can become a god, one that falsely promises completion and other self-satisfying desires.
It we’re not careful, our Godly desires can become ungodly obsessions that ultimately take the focus off of what life is really about.
What would that be, you ask?
- Being satisfied in Jesus alone and desiring to do His will, no matter what
- Loving God with all of our heart, soul, strength and mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves.
That, my friends, is what really matters.
The pursuit of anything above Him and His will is just, well, wrong.
We must let go of Godly desires and praise Him whether He gives them back to us or not.
What does that mean for me?
Just like years ago when I was deathly ill, I let my desire to live go, I must let go of my desire to be a mom. I must lay it down on an altar of praise and say, “Not my will but Yours be done.”
Letting go of my desire to be a mother, whether biologically or through the beauty of adoption, has been hard. I realized something during my time of extreme hurt. Don’t misunderstand me. John never intended to hurt me through his desire to change our plans, I know that and you should, too. In fact, now a few weeks removed from all the emotion, I firmly believe God has worked through my husband’s desire to wait for us to wait to start our journey toward parenthood to continue to purify and sanctify me to His truth. As I look back, I think I was so deeply hurt not because I’m a woman who has a Godly desire to be a mother, which is far from sinful. My humanity caused some hurt, yes, but much of the stinging pain stemmed from how my desire to achieve motherhood was starting to unconsciously become a god, one that needed knocked down and submitted to the Father.
As I embark on 2012, I am daily submitting putting my desire to be a parent down on the altar of praise. I am thanking Him for an awesome husband who is far from perfect (as am I) but who truly loves Christ first and me second, even when I fail to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am asking Him to daily fill me with the Holy Spirit and help me find my completion solely in the finished work of the Cross. I am continually praying for our future children and asking for wisdom to raise them, whenever – and however – they get here, to revere and proclaim His name. I am not shying away from my desire to be a parent next year, but I am also not bowing down to it, either. I appreciate your prayers as I surrender this desire to Him and as we prepare for what will surely be a long and hard road ahead when He does give us the green light to move forward with starting our family.
I encourage you to give Him your greatest desires, as well, and praise Him whether He chooses to give them back to you or not.
He alone is good, no matter what.