If my life were described in weather terms, “clouds” of doubt and discouragement have been looming for quite some time now. Some days I seek more peaks of sun than others, but many days, this cloud of sadness surrounds me.
I don’t really know, honestly. I mean, I have a great life. I have the Lord, a wonderful husband, good friends, we own our own home, can pay our bills and have money put away, I have great lungs, etc. etc.
What I haven’t had lately, though, is contentment – especially from around 8:00-5:00pm every day.
It’s easy for me to reminisce about my “old life”, i.e. before November 2009, when I said “I do”, and in the process, was called to lay down a slew of things I used to do (like travel, speak and write (at least to the capacity I did it before)) and pick up a plateful of things that would prove to be much harder than I expected. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I love being married and wouldn’t trade the opportunity to serve – and be served by – my husband for anything in the world.
I’m just realizing more and more that my natural, God-given gift mix is much less home-oriented, and much more people, business world-oriented, than I anticipated or ever want to admit.
I seriously should have been a man. Just kidding.
I’m just still coming to terms with this after 19 months of marriage, and consequently, the start of a completely different life style…and you know what?
It still really bothers me.
It bothers me that I’m not overly excited about wearing cute aprons, trying new recipes and greeting my husband with gourmet food every night when he comes home. It bothers me that I’m not naturally super-crafty, like this hot momma-to-be and dreaming about my next trip to Hobby Lobby. It bothers me that, deep down, I know my husband wishes I was more naturally inclined to all of that, as well. Even though he doesn’t say it, I feel like I’m letting him down.
It bothers me that, except for my love for the Lord, usually-positive attitude, my ability to communicate effectively, inability to hold a grudge and high sex drive, I have no idea how my gifts serve my husband and constantly feel like I’m supposed to just abandon what comes naturally to me and embrace what doesn’t. It bothers me that I miss being out and about amongst humanity. I miss speaking to more than just myself every day. I miss feeling like I am fully operating in my natural gift mix instead of groping around in the dark figuring out a new one. It bothers me that I oftentimes struggle being happy in a stay-at-home job, a job for which many would kill and will serve us well when we go to start our family, a process that will be far from easy.
Right now does it all make sense? No. Will it, Lord-willing, soon? Gosh, I hope so.
But I won’t give up. I’ll join Jesus in His quest to refine me through this very transitional time of my life and keep pressing forward.
“Quitter” has never been an adjective used to describe me, and I don’t plan on that being a popular one to use now — just because I’m adjusting to my new reality, if ever slowly.
I’m daily being challenged to be content. Some days are certainly better than others.
I’m reminded of Galations 6:9, though, that says:
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
Today still seems a bit cloudy. I made homemade meatballs after work, though, and, even if just for a moment, I smiled.
You see, I’m learning how to embrace my new-found reality and the beauty of sacrificing for us instead of just for me.