Fearless

I’ve been searching for my word for 2011.

I may be 11 days late, but I think I’ve finally chosen one!

It isn’t as original as I’d like, and I’m sure others have chosen the same one, but I’m going with “Fearless”.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not fearless.  I trust the Lord, and my faith in His sovereign will has been bolstered over the years, yet I never lost my humanity. I still have fears I don’t like to admit nor share with others, fears that plague me and haunt me in my dreams.

I’m not afraid to die, as the Lord has already dealt with me on that issue. I know my eternity is secure in Him, and that because of His sacrifice, I will never face spiritual death but instead live with Him forever. Physical death is inevitable for all of us, but as a Christ follower, I have peace about my soul’s future. Unlike 6 years ago, I can honestly can say I am not afraid to die.

Instead of worrying about my mortality, I think about the legacy I want to leave on Earth. I think worry about my husband being left behind in ten years without me and, after I’m gone, him becoming bitter and wishing he’d never married me.  I think worry about not being pretty enough, not being a good wife, not fulfilling my God-given purpose. I think worry about not being able to provide my loving husband children and letting him down. Even though I know my ability to conceive has nothing to do with his love for me, I don’t always believe that. I think worry about my own feelings when it comes to my possible infertility and feel guilty for not just being “OK” with it and not caring.  I think worry about how crazy I’d seem if I was honest with others but how much I truly do believe God will bless us with children. I think worry about how “weak” my friends would think I am if I was completely honest with them about everything I fear and everything in which I hope and dream in, too.

I think worry about not “doing enough” for the Kingdom and wondering why God has allowed me to still be here, when many people thought I’d be dead years ago. I think worry about being selfish for having a lot of dreams that maybe aren’t God’s will for my life, even though I am open to whatever He has for me but am just a dreamer and has a visionary personality. I think worry about God and people not understanding why the ministry has been on hold now for over a year so I could work on cultivating my marriage and begin my career. I think worry about people not being supportive of John and me, now that we’re gearing up to relaunch the ministry with a revised rendition of Breathtaking.  I think worry about stepping back out into the public eye, both in my writing and my speaking, and failing at what used to come so naturally to me. I feel so rusty and inadequate; it’s been so long.

Bottom line: I’m not a “worry wart”  but I certainly don’t live fearlessly, either. At times, I still worry that I’m not doing enough, that what I do isn’t enough, that I’m not enough.

And you know what? All of my fears are lies from Satan and founded in the pit of Hell.

My fears don’t allow me to live in the freedom in which Christ has called me to live. My fears at times keep me from stepping out in faith and truly enjoying Christ and the abundance of His grace. My fears keep me from always feeling secure in my marriage and my husband’s unending and unwavering love for me. My fears can put me in a prison and make me think the key has been long but thrown away.

I’m done.

I’m ready to live fearless – not just some days but every day.

I’m ready to live fearless – not by my power but by His and His alone. I’m ready. Are you?

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3 Comments

Filed under Marriage

3 responses to “Fearless

  1. This is a wonderful word to pick! Thank you for sharing so openly. I didn’t know you guys were trying for a baby – I’ll be praying for you now that I know! I’ve been down the whole having-trouble-conceiving road, so I know how stressful it can be.

    • Callie,

      We aren’t trying quite yet, but it’s something that I constantly have to lay down to the Lord. I know His thoughts and ways are higher than mine (Is. 55), and that He will form our family in His perfect time and way. 🙂 We’re praying for you and the baby, that you can go home from the hospital delivery-free soon!

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