Moving into our new home has brought about a lot of changes, not just in our place of residence but in me.
To be honest, the first few weeks in our home haven’t always been, well, fun. There was a lot of physical work to do just to get in, and now, our change of abode has started me down a new journey spiritually and emotionally-speaking. This was not what I was expecting. I was thinking the hardest part about moving was going to be the moving, not feeling a sense of uneasiness now that we’re here that has nothing to do with our location.
I never expected to not feel at home in my own skin in my new home.
That’s right. Me. The one that everyone has always thought “has it all together”, the one that wrote a book, spoke on a national level under the umbrella of her own ministry and has everything of which she’s ever dreamed, the one that’s….a mess without Christ, just like everyone else.
Truth is, I’m not as fearless as I seem. I’m not as put together as I seem. I’m not a lot of things people think I am. You know what, though? I’m re-learning that’s OK. I’m re-learning that Christ doesn’t love me for all the things I did in the past, nor is He upset with me for not doing those things now. After all, it’s not about the “things”, no matter how Godly, I do. It’s about the finished work of the Cross. Since I got married, and my personal ministry changed drastically all in one “I do”, I thought I knew that. I did. The problem? I haven’t been abiding in that Truth. It’s time to now.
This journey that I’m on is trying, but just like everything the Lord allows in our life, worth it in the end. So, it’s time to write a new chapter in my life. It’s time to put away the confusion and lies from Satan I’ve been fed this past year, and stand on the promises He has promised in His Word.
As John and I celebrate our new home and first year of marriage, I’m going to start re-enjoying being me and abiding in His love for me, in John’s love for me, no matter I do. I may never write a book again. I may never travel the country and speak again. I may never do a lot of things I’m afraid not doing will inevitably tarnish my legacy. I may fail at the new things I try, but I’m going to try them. I’m tired of guilt and fear holding me back from being who I was meant to be. I’m tired of listening to voices of the past and not to Him. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t let go of who I was and embrace something entirely different without this nagging feeling of “I should be doing something more for the Kingdom.” I am doing something. I’m being a wife, and I’m learning how to selflessly serve, as Jesus has called us to do. I’m healing from survivor’s guilt and a works-based mentality when it comes to my salvation. I’m a work in progress.
Who knows. Maybe once I make it through to the other side of my journey, God will use this pruning in my life to bless others through more writing and speaking. I pray He does, but maybe He won’t. That’s not up to me. My job, for now, is just to listen and be still in His presence, to be honest and heal, to move forward and not pine for the past. I don’t know how the road is going to end, but one thing is for sure – it’s time to move forward. From now on, I pray I not only know, but believe in, a love from my Heavenly Father and wonderful husband that is not based on anything but the fact that…they just love me.
Father, thank you for Your love.